Aunt Archer Xmas

 

TO THE BOYS AND GIRLS OF THE CLASS OF 1964!

 

Yes, it's true; my Hometown is none other than Southville, IN.  Surely you all know Southville. Why it's just a stone's throw from The Village, a hop-skip-and-jump from The Hill ~ yes, nestled at the heart of the Three Rivers, beside Wild Cat Crick.  And Southville is such a nice little town filled with even nicer people. You will be meeting up with many of our town folk as they share fascinating facts about the Holidays.

You all know Uncle Kelly Ukulele!  Of course, I know him the best, having been married to the man these some (cough) years - a lady never tells her age, right girls?  Then there is my darling daughter, Southern Suzette.  Well, there is no accounting for taste, as she married That Man from Chicago (such a shady past ~ tsk, tsk!), my son-in-law South Sammie.  But a Grandmother can take things in her stride when she has the most perfect grandbabies, my Twin Grandsons - Yeoman & Bowman!  Such little dears, they are.

But I digress ... we were speaking of Southville. You will be so pleased to aquaint yourselves with its inhabitants, all of whom will contribute something to enhance your Holiday Entertainment.

 FIRST OF ALL, to those of you who know me, you know that I am just an Ole Fashioned Gal, .. However, I must admit that .."

 I think Santa Claus is a Woman !

Candy canes began as straight white sticks of sugar candy used to decorated the Christmas trees. A choirmaster at Cologne Cathedral decided have the ends bent to depict a shepherd's crook and he would pass them out to the children to keep them quiet during the services. It wasn't until about the 20th century that candy canes acquired their red stripes.

In 1836, Alabama was the first state in the USA to declare Christmas a legal holiday.

Due to the time zones, Santa has 31 hours to deliver gifts? This means that he would have to visit 832 homes each second!

In 1937, the first postage stamp to commemorate Christmas was issued in Austria.

The biggest selling Christmas single of all time is Bing Crosby's White Christmas.

 

 

"Our local Cobbler, Toe Tum, has been an avid fan of David Letterman's Late Show for years.  He will be sharing some of Letterman's famous 'Christmas Top Ten Lists' throughout our Holiday Page. Here's the first one: 

Top Ten Elf Complaints

 

10. Bells on clothing target for jeers at truck stops
9. Need two pieces of I.D. to buy beer
8. Santa's union-busting goons killed a guy last spring
7. Black elves control the weight room
6. R&R weekends in Aleutians spoiled by trigger-happy shore patrol
5. Incredible markup at North Pole 7-11
4. Workmen's compensation doesn't cover "mistletoe-lung"
3. The Colonel practically runs my life (Sorry, that's a Elvis complaint)
2. Dead elves just tossed out on tundra
1. Santa only invites his favorites to join him in the Jacuzzi

"You'll all recall our Principal, Miss Alma Mater, who would like to share some Christmas Quotes with you:"

Bob Hope
When we recall Christmas past, we usually find that the simplest things -- not the great occasions -- give off the greatest glow of happiness.

Joan Rivers
The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.

Bernard Manning
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

Calvin Coolidge
Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas.

Bart Simpson
Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know… the birth of Santa.

Bob Hope
My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
Anonymous

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Jay Leno

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Anonymous

Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet.
Anonymous

Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.
Tom Sims

Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.
Anonymous

"Mr. Booh S. Tiers Club for history buffs would like to share this interesting lore about the origins of 'The Partridge in a Pear Tree:"

From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly.
Someone during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics. It has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church. Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality, which the children could remember.

"Have you ever wondered what it would cost if you went out and bought each item separately?  Well, the Twins, Yeomen & Bowmen, asked Mr. Booh S. Tiers that question. The astounding answer was approximately $20,000.00!

Speaking of 'too much', that's my Sister, Elizabeth.  She is such a 'card' -- I am always saying, 'Why Peg, oh Sis!  You are such a cut-up!'  Sprinkled throughout this Holiday Page, you will find some Jokes that she would like to share with you:"

 

"Thanks, Peg, Oh Sis! You are just too much!  But Uncle Kelly Ukulele says there are more Dave Letterman Top Ten Lists just in from the Cobbler Toe Tum:"

 TOP TEN ELF PICK-UP LINES 

 

 "Not to be undone by our Principal Miss Alma Mater, our School Superintendent Mr. A. Lum Nigh, has this take-off of the popular Christmas Poem:"

 

"Next up is our winning Football hero, Coach Bull S. Eye, [honestly, that man never goes any where without his dog,Target!] who has this Holiday Lore to share with you now:"

 Hillarious Christmas Signs

 

"From Mr. Asum Bullie's Workshops, we learn many Christmassy and newsy little tid bits:"

Can You Name Five Classic Toys?

 

 I have to tell you that I ran into our Librarian, Miss Vista Club, the other day.  I told her about the Class Christmas Page and "she said she'd send some simple somethings."  True to her word, this is what came in the mail today:"

* The tradition of gifts seems to have started with the gifts that the wise men brought to Jesus. Christmas presents were thereafter exchanged amongst kings and chieftains. The exchanging of gifts between all others started around the 1800's, especially on the European continent. In Iceland however, they have only embraced the idea for the past 100 years.

* In order to raise money to pay for a charity Christmas dinner in 1891, a large crabpot was set down on a San Francisco street to accept donations. This later became the first Salvation Army collection kettle.

* The first postage stamp to commemorate Christmas was issued in Austria In 1937.

* When Charles Dickens was writing "A Christmas Carol" he settled on Tiny Tim as the main character after considering three other alternatives. They were Little Larry, Small Sam and Puny Pete.

* Queen Elizabeth's Christmas message to the nation was televised for the first time on December 25, 1957. Tthe BBC aired the event every year for the ensuing 40 plus years.

* "Jingle Bells" was composed in 1857 by James Pierpont, and was originally called "One-Horse Open Sleigh."

* Child singer Jimmy Boyd was 12 years and 11 months old when he sang the Christmas favorite, "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus." The song hit the top of the charts.

* The biggest selling Christmas single of all time is Bing Crosby's White Christmas.
"White Christmas" (1954), starring Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye, was also the first movie to be made in Vista Vision, a deep-focus process.  

One thing I did want to add, is that when our Mailman, Mr. P. Oli Sigh, brought Miss Vesta Club's letter, he shared some news he heard from his Brother {who is in politics} in Chicago ~ makes you wonder about those big city folk, I'll tell you!  No wonder my son-in-law, South Sammie, is a little 'crooked':" 

Well, it seems that recently, while people were out doing their Christmas shopping in Chicago, a rather large department store suffered an electrical fault and subsequently caught on fire, speading into a larger fire, which naturally was spewing a large amount of smoke into a confined building.

But were the shoppers put off by this series of events? Not in the slightest. They just kept right on shopping!

The chief of the local fire department had never seen anything like it, and probably hopes he won't have to again. He actually had to have men positioned on all the sets of doors to stop further customers entering the store.

The store was actually closed down for the rest of the day due to the extent of the damage, but obviously some people think shopping is healthier for them than smoke free oxygen. Now that's what I call a real FIRE SALE! Go figure!

 

"Oh, and, before I forget, I wanted to tell you all that after church, last Sunday, I ran into Mrs. Acedemy, whose 40 year old son, Junior, has moved back home ~ again! She has been trying to find ways for Junior to make himself useful, if you know what I mean.  She asked me, if I have ever noticed how some things just don't ever change?  So she says to me:"

Take for instance wrapping paper and men. How often do you ever see men going through the processes involved in wrapping presents?

A good example of this is the birth of Jesus Christ himself. It is mentioned in the story that the three wise men or three kings depending on the version, brought gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. But were any of them gift wrapped? No, of course not. they were just handed over to the proud parents and babe in as-is condition.

I'm sure you've all realised why by now. It's because they were all men.

All of the men I have known have either gotten around the wrapping paper by handing it over in a plastic shopping bag and stating "hey, sorry I haven't wrapped it" when in fact they had no intention of ever doing so, or have passed it off onto their female counterparts.

For those few brave men that do attempt it on occassion, they usualy still require a lot of help, such as "Where is the paper?", "Where is the stickytape?", "Where are the scissors?" and so forth.

 "Sorry, Boys, but there is some truth in that"  Speaking of Boys, I just don't know what this world has come to ~ the names these Mothers are coming up with these days ~ I tell you!  What ever happened to good old fashioned names like Glyde, Ethyl, Clyde, or Bartholemew? Well, in any case, our Paper Boy, Htuos Edis, {who has always been a little 'backward'}, left this cute little poem with the Morning Paper:"

I made myself a snowball,
as perfect as can be

I thought I'd keep it as a pet,
and let it sleep with me

I made it some pajamas,
and a pillow for its head

then last night it ran away,
but first it wet the bed!!!

"Oh, Dear, I'm so sorry for that shift in focus, but I find that, what with the way my Memory is now-a-days, if I don't share something when it comes to mind ... well, I just never do get it said.  Now let's see, where were we?  I did have something else to add to our Trivia.  Oh, yes, here it is.  Our local Attorney, Mr. W. R. Wangler, Esq., wanted me to share these points with you all:"

 

 

 

St Francis of Assisi introduced Christmas Carols to formal church services.  Christmas caroling began as an old English custom called Wassailing - toasting neighbors to a long and healthy life.

A traditional Christmas dinner in early England was the head of a pig prepared with mustard.

 The word carol is derived from the old French word caroler which derives from the Latin chorale. This itself was derived from the Greek chorales.

The first Christmas card was created in England on December 9, 1842.  Hallmark introduced its first Christmas cards in 1915, five years after the founding of the company.  An average household in America will mail out 28 Christmas cards each year and see 28 eight cards return in their place.  More than three billion Christmas cards are sent annually in the United States.

He is known throughout the world, by various names; Santa Claus, Father Christmas, Kris Kringle, Saint Nicholas, Sinterklaas, St. Nick, and Pere Noel.  On Christmas Eve, countless children all over the world lie in their beds while "visions of sugarplums dance in their heads." When they awake they will excitedly check to see if Santa Claus has come to bring them gifts.

Animal Crackers are not really crackers, but cookies that were imported to the United States from England in the late 1800s. Barnum's circus-like boxes were designed with a string handle so that they could be hung on a Christmas tree.

During the Christmas buying season, Visa cards alone are used an average of 5,340 times every minute in the United States.

In 1947, Toys for Tots started making the holidays a little happier for children by organizing its first Christmas toy drive for needy youngsters.

The movie "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" (2000) features more than 52,000 Christmas lights, about 8,200 Christmas ornaments, and nearly 2,000 candy canes.

The Santa Claus' suit was developed in the 1930s.  The Coca-Cola Company hired American artist Haddon Sundblom in 1931, to redesign Santa Claus. Sundblom chose the official colors of Coca-Cola, red and white.

"Well, dears, Uncle Kelly Ukulele, just stuck his head in the door to tell me it's Dinner time ~ I've made his favorite, Peas Porridge!  That man o' mine just can't get enough of that yummy green stuff, I'll tell you!  But that reminds me that Farmer Fi Low, and his wife Phoebe, who have the cutest kids ~ Fee, Fi, Fo, & Fum, sent me an article on Food. Confidentually, Class, the Lows all register High on the weight scale. But Farmer Fi Low is funny. Now what did I do with that?  Oh, yes, here it is:"

 

"Why, what's this? Attached to the back of Farmer Fi Low's article is a list of some kind.  Oh, I see what it is; but this requires a bit of explanation:  You see, boys and girls, Farmer Fi Low's brother, Hi Y. Low, is married to a Burmese lady - Sow Th.  She is quite connected, you know ~ her ancester's founded the original Burma Shave Signs (you all remember seeing those when you were driving through the countryside, don't you?).  The dear girl sings like a Nightingale, so musical is she!  Sow Th and Uncle Kelly Ukulele have a lot in common, they share an interest in music, and both are 'south paws'.  Well, here is Sow Th's List:"

 THE TOP TWENTY CHRISTMAS SONGS

1. "The Christmas Song" (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire) (Mel Tormé, Robert Wells)
2. "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" (J. Fred Coots, Haven Gillespie)
3. "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" (Ralph Blane, Hugh Martin)
4. "Winter Wonderland" (Felix Bernard, Richard B. Smith)
5. "White Christmas" (Irving Berlin)
6. "Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!" (Sammy Cahn, Jule Styne)
7. "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" (Johnny Marks)
8. "Jingle Bell Rock" (Joseph Carleton Beal, James Ross Boothe)
9. "I'll Be Home for Christmas" (Walter Kent, Kim Gannon, Buck Ram)
10. "Little Drummer Boy" (Katherine K. Davis, Henry V. Onorati, Harry Simeone)
11. "Sleigh Ride" (Leroy Anderson, Mitchell Parish)
12. "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" (Edward Pola, George Wyle)
13. "Silver Bells" (Jay Livingston, Ray Evans)
14. "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" (Johnny Marks)
15. "Feliz Navidad" (José Feliciano)
16. "Blue Christmas" (Billy Hayes, Jay W. Johnson)
17. "Frosty the Snowman" (Steve Nelson, Walter E. Rollins)
18. "A Holly Jolly Christmas" (Johnny Marks)
19. "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" (Tommie Connor)
20. "Here Comes Santa Claus" (Gene Autry, Oakley Haldeman)

"Last Christmas, Sow Th, Psy D., Heigh S. Kool ~ all three of them ... went to the Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular!  I remember well, what they said about that experience:"

 

 

• The cast changes costumes eight times during the show, with as little as 78 seconds to do so. In all, there are 1,300 costumes worn.
• During the "Music Hall Menagerie," two donkeys, three camels, five sheep, and a horse make a special appearance. They have their own staff of trainers offstage.
• A real ice rink built on a movable platform is used during the "Christmas in New York" scene.
• The "Here Comes Santa Claus" number features every member of the cast dressed as Santa to explain how Santa can actually deliver gifts to every boy and girl in the world, all in one night.
• During the show's run, 2,500 pounds of "snow" fall upon the stage.

 

"Well, I just got off the phone with his Honor, the Mayor, Bo N. Arrow, who you will recall married his High School Sweetheart, Minerva Quiver.  He called to make sure that I included his children's Humor Piece. The Arrow's kids, Quill and Scroll, collect "Santa Jokes".  Some are pretty corny, but I include them here:"

Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.

• When I was young we were poor. We didn't have a Christmas tree, we had a Christmas stump.
• When I was a kid our Christmases were very poor. We couldn't afford tinsel. We had to wait for grandpa to sneeze.
• Christmas is a time when people get emotional over family ties, particularly if they have to wear them.
• I remember my dad was chopping in a toy store. He said, "That's a terrific train set. I'll buy it."
  The Clerk said, "Great, I'm sure your son will love it."

  Dad said, "Maybe you're right. I'll take two."

   

• They say that Santa comes but once a year. I can't understand that, considering all the bedrooms he visits.
  Q: What do you get if you cross Raquel Welch and Santa Claus?
  A: A thank you card from Santa.

  Q: Why does Santa wear pink underwear?
  A: He's a man. He did all his laundry in the one load.

   

• It was so cold on Christmas Eve at the North Pole that Santa had to jump-start three of his reindeer.
  Q: What do you call Santa's Helpers?
  A: Subordinate Clauses.

  Q: Why did Santa Claus take his Christmas tree to the dentist?
  A: To get a root canal.

  Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
  A: Because the angel had said,"No L!"

  Q: Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor?
  A: He was feeling crummy.

  Q: Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
  A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side.

  Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
  A: Because every buck is dear to him.

  Q: Why is it so cold on Christmas?
  A: Because it's in Decembrrrrrrrrrr!

  Q: Why is the month of December so popular?
  A: It has a lot of dates.

"Well, Class, I've enjoyed guiding you through this Holiday Page.  I hope some of you have kept up with me and may have enjoyed some of it also.  It's all in the Spirit of Good Fun and Fellowship.  I hope that it will be received in the Love that it was shared.  Hopefully we can do this again sometime!  I welcome your feedback, please!

Speaking of Spirit, we can't forget that not everyone celebrates Christmas:"

HANUKKAH

"However, there are many of us who feel as if Jesus Is The Reason For The Season.  Here is a little prayer that we thought we'd like to share:"

NOT ONLY ON CHRISTMAS

 

"Thank you for endulging Uncle Kelly Eukulele and I on this journey.  NOW ... Did you all understand that you have through the Holidays, into the first of the year to read this Holiday Page?  And did you understand that there will be a QUIZ posted ONLINE that covers the material on this Page?  AND .. for the Winner, there will be a PRIZE!:  

A HANDMADE Christmas Ornament designed especially for the Class of '64 from the famous BRONNER'S CHRISTMAS WONDERLAND in Frankenmuth, MI.  The World's Largest Christmas Store ~ "making Chrismas memories since 1945"

To Make sure you are ready to make it through the Christmas Quiz with flying colors, our Princlpal, Miss Alma Mater, offers this practice quiz:"

 

• Q: How much does the average American family spend on Christmas gifts?
  A: The average American family spends about $800 on Christmas gifts every year.
• Q: How many Christmas trees are sold each year?
  A: Thirty-seven million fresh Christmas trees are sold each year.
• Q: What state first recognized Christmas as an official holiday?
  A: Alabama was the first state to recognize Christmas as an official holiday, starting in 1836.
• Q: How many candy canes are made each year?
  A: More than 1.76 billion candy canes are made annually for the Christmas season.
• Q: Why do Barnum's animal crackers have a string handle?
  A: Barnum's animal crackers in the circus-themed box were designed with a string handle so they could hang on a Christmas tree.
• Q: What are sugarplums?
  A: Sugarplums are actually chocolate candies with cream, fruit preserves, or other sweet fillings inside.
• Q: What is wassail?
  A: Wassail is a beverage dating back to the Middle Ages. The word is derived from the Old Norse ves heill, meaning "in good health." This evolved into visiting neighbors on Christmas Eve and drinking to their health.Traditional wassail contained ale, wine, or hard cider topped with beaten eggs or stale bread. Modern recipes for wassail use hot apple cider simmered with spices and sweetened with honey.
• Q: Why are candy canes bent?
  A: In 1670, a choirmaster in Cologne, Germany, bent the ends to resemble a shepherd's staff and handed them out to children during church services to keep them quiet. In the early 1900s, candy canes acquired their famous stripes. The first candy canes were straight, white sticks of sugar candy used as Christmas tree decorations.
• Q: Why do people eat mincemeat pie on Christmas?
  A: Eating mincemeat pie on Christmas dates back to the 16th century. Traditionally, it was thought that eating a small pie on each of the 12 days of Christmas would bring good luck in the New Year.